My dog died a week ago today. It’s so horrible to think she’ll never snuggle up to me again, she’ll never dance with joy when I walk in the door, never follow me from room to room because she hates it when I’m out of her sight. I’m so lucky to have had her so long — five extra years really than the average lifespan for her breed, and these past 10 months after she nearly died last October were stolen months — I know that. I know I was lucky to get those extra 10 months.
But it’s so hard to come home to an empty house that’s full of memories. It’s so hard to do the right thing and have your baby euthanized before she dies trying to breathe through an airway she can’t keep clear on her own. It’s so hard after you spend a month putting her on different strong antibiotics and her breathing just gets worse and worse. It’s hard when your baby’s immune system stops fighting infections. It’s hard when your veterinarian tells you the kindest thing you can do is euthanize your baby and that if you don’t, nature will not treat her kindly from here on out. It’s hard to watch the light go out so quickly in the eyes that are so cheerful and friendly even as she struggles for breath.
I had no idea euthanasias were so quick. It took all of ten seconds.
It’s hard to let go when you’ve lived with a dog for more than half your life. She was such a tiny puppy whose head fit in the palm of my hand almost sixteen years ago when I wasn’t much more than a baby myself — I can’t believe she’s really dead. Even worse — stored in a freezer, waiting to be cremated.
It was so hard to walk away after after she was euthanized. I just couldn’t leave my baby there. I just couldn’t walk away. I felt like a bad pet owner. I couldn’t stand the thought of the freezer they were going to put her in. She who always hated the cold, and who was still so warm. I couldn’t bear it. And I had to walk away. I felt terrible.
I feel bereft. I have no responsibilities. There’s no reason to go home — no friendly little face that needs a walk or dinner. Instead there’s a little ghost that prances around the house — I keep expected to see her come running around a corner to find me. I’ve lost my identity in a way — I always was a dog-owner, and it defined me. I’ve been a teenager and an adult as a dog-owner. As a little kid I had family dogs before, but they were never my dog. My baby was my very own dog — not my mom’s, not my dad’s, not my brother’s. She always loved me better than anyone else, and it hurts to think she’ll never look up at me again with her big eyes and a lolling tongue. I just can’t bear it.
Categories : cruelty free
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steelie
July 28th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Oh, Emily.
I’m so sorry to hear.
I wish there were some magic words to make everything better but I know there aren’t.
This stranger’s thought are with you.
–
steelie
jessica
July 29th, 2009 at 4:15 am
i’m so sorry to hear it! my childhood dog died when i was 14 years old and it still makes me sad to think of it. i will be so sad when my current dogs die.
Erin
July 29th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Hang in there - you did the right thing! It sounds like your dog was so lucky to have you. You gave her a wonderful life.
Jane
July 30th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
It is so hard to lose a animal. I had to put down my dog of 11 years in 2007, and it was very hard. But I knew it was the right thing to do, and knowing she wasn’t in pain anymore made it easier.
Nicole
July 31st, 2009 at 6:26 am
What a hard decision you had to make, but I’m sure you made it out of the deepest love and compassion for your best friend. If only animals could talk, I’m sure your dog would have told you not to worry and that she enjoyed the time she had with you, too. I am so sorry for your loss…
Natasha
August 1st, 2009 at 3:35 pm
I’m so sorry Emily.:( I know how it hurts so much. Animals have always been part of my life. Growing up I had a cat and dog that were my best friends and when they passed(my cat in 1999 and my dog 2001) I swear I didn’t even want to go on living anymore. It’s so hard to go through. It will get better even though it doesn’t ever seem like it will.
Michelle
August 3rd, 2009 at 7:05 am
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your friend. I’ve been there and understand. It gets better with time.
Jennifer
August 6th, 2009 at 5:37 am
i can not tell youhow much my heart aches for you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain, I Had to put my cat to sleep jan 09. I had never put any of my pets to sleep, it WAS fast and i let him take part of my heart with him… I still miss him everyday. I sit here with a huge amount of emotion even after all these months trying to type this. I Hope your heart heals, and know you have friends surrounding you even if only in thoughts..
Jen
August 7th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Awwww, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your post made me cry! My cat is 14, and I keep telling myself she’s going to live to be 30 because I can’t even bear the thought of it. I know this doesn’t make it any easier, but it sounds like you really did what was best for her. My thoughts are with you. =^(
Kathy
August 11th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Oh Emily, I am so sorry to hear about your best friend. We are so blessed to have special dogs come into our lives, and it’s so heartbreaking saying goodbye. I firmly believe with all my heart that they come back to us some day. You were both very fortunate to have each other! It will get better, I promise. Take care of yourself.
Bobbie
August 16th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Very sorry. I lost my dog and have yet to replace him now years have passed. I did how ever put one of those solor lights on the hill with a grave marker where we walked daily I can look at it any time during the night and see him there waiting for me to get going and hurry up the hill. Very sorry but letting you know a memorial helped me. The light fills my heart on those sleepless nights. Don’t wait to long to replace your friend like I did. Your heart has to let go a little so it doesn’t break you. Try a little memorial of your own to hang on and let go. Get well soon.
Peter J. Walker - EmergingChristian.com
August 20th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
So very sorry for your loss. I had to take in a kitten we rescued last year, and it was so much harder than I anticipated. I can’t imagine losing a pet I’d had for years and years. Peace to you,
Peter
Carolyn
August 27th, 2009 at 11:53 am
Oh, Emily! I’m so sorry. Your post brought me to tears. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But, like the posters above, I agree that you did the right thing. That probably doesn’t help, but it will eventually. She was lucky to have you.
Try to keep busy and hang in there…
Ann
August 31st, 2009 at 10:01 am
My heart is breaking! I had a similar experience, years ago. I am happy when I think of Tawny. He was a great cat, and made me very happy. Now I have “Bean”, who has been with me for 14 years - my constant room mate after college. Although she didn’t replace him, I am happy to have another love. I’m sure when the time is right, you will find your next best friend - or it will find you. Best wishes for peace.
zev
September 5th, 2009 at 11:29 am
My heart goes out to you. It is very painful to lose a companion, especially a long time one who has grown up with you. I too had to deal with a choice like yours regarding my sick cat several years back. Your dog was indeed lucky to have you in her life. Hold on to those happy memories and focus on those times as best you can. Don’t be afraid to let yourself cry and talk to loved ones often, I found it really helps. I wish you the best.
amber
September 11th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
This is the first time I have ever come across your site. I am sorry to hear about your friend! I have four dogs and cannot imagine life without them, even my craziest most neurotic one!:)
I noticed that you seem to have a lot of resources and ability to answer peoples’ questions I wanted to comment/ask something! My husband and I have been trying VERY hard to live cruelty free. Over the past year we have replaced all HBA, cleaning products, etc to the cruelty free list products I got from the PETA list (only to now find out that it was not as cruelty free as I had thought). Over the past two years we have stopped eating lamb, veal, pork, cow, and just recently poultry. We buy our eggs and cheese from small local organic farmers! I have done more hours of research then I can even remember! The reason I am sharing this is because now I am so confused. I have recently found so many conflicting lists and sites…Good companies bought by big horrible ones! One list says cruelty free another says NOT! Companies are allowed to deceive and of course no one cares! Also the more I research the more I find things that I would have never thought in a million years would have to be tested on anyone, except maybe a taste test. Yet, I have stumbled across animal testing for JUICE! WOW! Someone found the cruelest way possible to test juice! All these findings have made it very hard for me to sleep, and we don’t even use any of the products…well at least this is what I thought!
So instead of feeling good about my decision, I feel disillusioned! I may be spending extra money on cruelty free products that aren’t really cruelty free and it turns out maybe not organic either! I thought the hardest part of making this change would be finding a substitute for ground turkey for tacos or a nice smelling cleaner!
NO…The hardest part is trusting anything I read now and feeling guilty everytime I use a “labeled” cruelty free cleaning product or HBA in my house wondering if I have bought the wrong stuff and some poor animal suffered cause I did not research enough!
So the asking part is: What can I do? Who can I believe? Who can I trust? Am I asking too much of people? I just want to do what is right, which I thought we were! I want companies to use ingredients natural enough that it doesn’t have to be tested for toxicity issues! I know people will never stop eating meat, but I know there has to be a more humane way to treat the animals! I think companies must think the public in large must be the dumbest bunch of imbeciles…since they have to torture some poor living being to tell me if I get shampoo, cleanser, soap, bleach, etc in my eye it might irritate said eye! Thanks Mr. Company! Without you what would I do…probably sleep better at night and not wonder what the hell is wrong with the people in this world that I live in!!!
Thanks for listening,
Amber
Tammy
September 13th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Oh Emily, I’m so, so, sorry. Nothing makes the heart bleed like the loss of unconditional love and companionship. As someone who has been surrounded by critters of every kind since the day she was born, I GUARANTEE you, she lived longer, better, stronger because of you. You walked her little soul out one door and into the other. Not only did you not fail her, you were there when she needed you most. You will fall in love again with a lolling tongue and expressive eyes, and it is because of her, you’ll be good at it. May you find some comfort and consolation. Tammy
Melissa
October 20th, 2009 at 7:07 am
I just found your blog looking for cruelty free stuff. I recently euthanized a stray that had darted in front of my car and the vet said would be unsavable. I know it doesn’t compare in any way to a pet you’ve loved for years, but I know that same experience of standing there, helpless, scarred me. Your dog loved you and you helped her end her life surrounded by love and peace. You didn’t leave her. You just left the stuff that gets left behind when we die. She stays with you, forever.
Mark Hawthorne
October 22nd, 2009 at 7:29 am
Dear Emily,
I’ve lost 3 rabbits since June, and I know the pain you’re experiencing. One thing that really helped me was working with a professional animal communicator. She was able to convey things only the bunnies would know, and it helped to “talk” to them on the other side. To know they are at peace and send their love, that they feel no pain and hear me when I talk to them, helped me find some closure. Let me know if you’d like more details.
Mark
Wendy
December 19th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Sorry to hear about this. I haven’t been blogging lately due to dealing with a job loss and other things. I am sorry for your loss. I had a Westie put to sleep a while ago and it’s so sad to see a spunky Westie who wants to live to be put to sleep (she had cancer). I know how it feels.
Take care.
Aubrey
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. She was so lucky to have you in her life.
yacklyn
January 3rd, 2010 at 11:20 am
oh so sad. I cried. I’m dreading that day again. I know it will happen as sure the sun comes up. I suggest you go to a shelter and adopt one now. You’re not replacing, you’re helping another because you definintley have an open spot ther. It happened to me 5 years ago and I was so angry when everyone suggested I get another dog but I did and I felt a little better. The heartbreak was a little bit more tolerable. I would still be standing at the poor dogs grave. I was crushed. Good luck and remember, there’s a dog somewhere that needs you and you need him.
Anne
January 5th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
You spoke my heart. My little cat Miranda went this past May. I am bereft, and having a lot of trouble getting over her. I have 3 other cats, but she was just the one who licked my tears away as I pre-grieved her death. I chose to become a vegetarian because of her. I kept thinking of the cruelty inflicted on the animal I ate and I couldn’t do it anymore. I pray that there is a heaven so I can be with her again when I go. I paid for a little kitten to have the surgery needed to avoid euthanasia. She has made such a differentce to me and through me… the world.
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